1 month old!!

As I was dating a batch of milk at 3 am this morning it hit me, the babies were born 1 month ago! I am 1 month PP. That's 4 weeks!! Where has the time gone? I haven't hardly even done anything yet!! Soon V&B will be 6 week old babies, and I recall far too clearly that there is a huge difference between a newborn and a 6 week old baby!

I've been meaning to blog about something for awhile, but then my brain/heart gives out and it doesn't make it into print. I've been told repeatedly 'I bet you're glad to have your body back'. or something similar, but it's not a thought I've really had. My head and heart were committed to staying pregnant until March and really I wasn't ready to be done 'gestating'. Having been pregnant with twins before I knew what was in store for me and I had mentally prepared myself (as well as making many physical adjustments to our life and family) to get through a long, physically trying pregnancy. I really wasn't feeling 'tired' of carting around so much baby and extra body weight (although I'm definitely feeling all of that extra weight now). Delivering was a really bittersweet experience. Of course I'm thrilled that the babies are now with their family, that's what the whole pregnancy was about. But at the same time, overnight I'm no longer pregnant. I've wondered if it had to do with the pre-eclampsia and the 'suddenness' of our delivery, but most deliveries happen suddenly, so that doesn't seem right. However, P& L were a planned delivery. The only times I've had a sudden delivery is with my own kids, but my pregnant belly was replaced with a baby and I felt it was a trade I was willing to make. In this situation my hugely pregnant belly was replaced with a pump and a mind that was really prepared and willing to carry for 2-3 more weeks. Would I have ever felt 'done'? Plus, this is likely my final pregnancy, unless the family can be convinced in 1 1/2 years or STE decides to have just one more in 4 years (or I move to Canada). I'm not really expecting any of those things to happen and at the very least I have 1 1/2 years before I would ever get to be pregnant again anyhow.

So today is also a bit bittersweet. Four weeks ago everything changed, for all of us. The babies are growing and changing so quickly and I have to wait 5 more weeks to go see them! I know in my head that there was not a better time to get away and go visit, but 5 more weeks seems like an eternity. There are many upsides to waiting to visit though. The babies will be a bit interactive by then, and I'm sure they'll be dang adorable. The family will have had time to adjust and figure out how to function as a family of 6. I should be much more hormonally stable by then and hopefully I'll have found something else to wear besides maternity clothes!!

Feel free to skip to the next paragraph if you don't want to read my rant about clothing! We're smack in the middle of 'iffy' weather. Some days it's cold and rainy and you really want warmth, the next day it's a bright and hot 78 degrees and you can't wait to get some color. If it stayed warm I would be OK, I could go out and buy a few capris in a size that I hope to only wear for a few weeks/months, but that's OK and expected-my PP clothing is part of my maternity wear. I KNOW that I need a few outfits in sizes that will not be worn for long, that's just how I gain during a pregnancy. But what do I do on those cold days? The stores no longer have 'warm' clothing in stock. I'm stuck with my maternity clothes, but I am a tad smaller and they are all elastic waists. Does anyone know what elastic waisted pants look like on my butt after a few hours of wear? Not pretty-definitely not something that makes me feel good about how I look. I've been dwelling on this topic for a good week or so. I've decided to try to find a few 'spring' outfits and hope that it just stays warm. And on those days that it's not warm, I'll just wrap myself in a blanket out at the ball field, no one will notice the saggy butt pants that way!

Thursday I had my appointment with Dr. E. I had been a bit concerned about my incision and I was still experiencing swelling in my legs and feet (although they fit in a shoe and that's nice). My blood pressure is great, so there's no need to worry about the swelling. I'm told that it will eventually go away and I look forward to that day. Apparently my incision looks just fine and I will just have to stop obsessing about the things that I think look 'not quite right' (although I'll still monitor it in case I'm really right). So basically I've been cleared and I don't even have to go back at 6 weeks, unless I want to, doc said I'm always welcome to just come visit :) We did talk some about another pregnancy, although I wasn't prepared for the conversation, I thought I'd be going back in 2 weeks. Having had 2 c-sections there is a slightly higher risk, but that there was nothing to indicate that I shouldn't consider carrying again. The report from my c-section showed nothing of concern, so the uterus still looks good and the scar is fine as well. My husband's concern with me carrying again is that I will be 35 in September, almost 36 by the time I would be willing to be pregnant again. He had the lack of common sense to say to me, "I think you'll be too old", that did not go over too well. Fortunately I knew that what he meant to say is "would it be safe for you at 36?" Logan thinks I shouldn't do it again because if they wanted a sibling than I would have to do it 2 more times. My response to that is we'll just have to carry for someone that is already has a child and is just hoping for a sibling. Ciera's only reason is because I hormonally overreacted to her 'changes' after I returned home from the hospital. She didn't care to be on the receiving end of my emotions. But honestly in 1 1/2 years I think she'll be used to my overreacting to her continual changes out of girl hood. And then there's my hang ups. Sometimes I can clearly see myself carrying for someone else-it almost feels selfish of me to not. But then there are times that I can't imagine carrying for anyone other than STE and family. There's something beautiful and satisfying about having helped this one family and I should just leave it alone and be happy. But then there's the other part that feels like this is something special that I'm good at and there are so many families waiting to be born. There are definitely certain families or stories that have touched me and I can easily envision helping them, but they may not really need or want my help. Only time will tell.

Next up: the final birthday weekend tales.